Walk back 2 the powwow. Hand in hand. The pervy rez dogs slowly walkng behind us. It’s weird they saw my ass in the air. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Legs still shaking. I feel high. Not acting myself. I’m so happy. Glenda called me "Thunder Dick." I guess I did my job. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

If theres a "next time" it’ll be at my house. I’m gonna cook her a moose meat dinner. Real old school. Warrior style. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Also, if I’m "Thunder Dick" does that make her "Lightening Pussy?" Nope. Horrible name. Maybe "Rain Beaver" is better? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Back to the powwow. Feels like everyone is staring. We hold each others hands tightly. We both feel it. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Howah, Glenda. Don Smiling Eagle sure looks good in your shirt," the MC announces. Look down. Look up. Look at her. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Look down. I also have her jeans on. I know they’re her jeans cuz I reach in the pocket & find her babies soother. Damn. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Gran sees us. Calls us over there. Great. We walk over. Rez dogs following us. As we approach Gran just shakes her head. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"You’ll have to explain to your 9 yr old nephew what "call me your Thunder Dick," means, Don," spits Gran. "Huh," I ask? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Apparently my nephew was following me to ask 4 money for a bag of chips. Didn’t see ‘im. He learned a few things today. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Things he learned: a real man will kiss his women AFTER they’ve gone down on him & if he doesn’t he’s an asshole. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Things he learned: when a women says "stay down there & finish the job" you stay down there & finish the job. Or else. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Things he learned: when someone says "spank me" be sure to ask "are you sure" & "where" before you just start smackin’. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Things he learned: when she says "that’s it" you say "fuck no it’s not" and you soldier on. you find a way. dammit. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Things he learned: an accidental finger in the ass isn’t all bad. i was shocked & surprised. admittedly, not bad tho. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Things he learned: dont have sex in the middle of a field unless ur into a kid and a few rez dogs watching it go down. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Things he learned: a bad euphemism for a womans vagina is "wettest tobacco pouch." by the way – i was joking, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

It was shitty that my nephew saw us have sex. It was weird he stayed & watched. It was cool he learned a few things tho. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Sun was setting. Dance contest was over. Singing contest over. That meant "goodbye" was soon to follow. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

If I say "I’d love to see you again" would it come off as "I’d love to be inside, around, below & above you again?" #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We stand at the road. Her car one way, mine the other. "See ya sometime, Thunder Dick," she smiles. Say somethin, Don. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"You sure will, Rain Beaver," I frown. Dont want to come off as desperate but I’m choking on this lump in my throat. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"The lump in my throat says I’d like to see you soon," I say. "I HAD a lump in my throat that says the same," she says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I ignored the screams & fights of her rotten kids. A look deep in each others eyes. "My mouth + You = HOLY SHIT," I say. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Yep," Glenda smiles. She kisses my cheek. I kiss her jaw. Awkwardly. Get a mouth full of hair. "Until again," she says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

She walked away. "Get in the goddamn car," she yelled. Her kids looked like they saw a ghost. They scrambled into place. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Stood there. She drove away. I watched her drive over the hill. Looked around. Those 2 rez dogs lay quietly at my feet. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Should’ve charged u two fuckrs admission," I laughed at the dogs. Walk to the car. Gran waiting for the long ride home. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

CH#7 – Walk of shame. Struck out at a Woman’s Drum Circle. Brand new low. Back 2 camp to pack. I need to get outta here. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Get to my grans camp. Pack my shit. It’s been fun – sorta. Time to bounce. Back to the grounds to say bye to Gran. ? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Hey, my mom’s boyfriend," says Glenda’s boy, Nimkii. "No little man, just a friend," I say. "You like her," he says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Are you going to put a baby inside of her," he asks. WHAT?!? What the hell do I say to that? "Not on purpose," I laff. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"She said she liked the coffee you bought her. She said so," he said while running away. She said that? Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Glenda Old Crow. I STILL want to be your lawn chair. Gotta look for that Haskell jacket in the crowd. She’s still here. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Looking. Mens Fancy special goin down – Men’s Fancy makes women horny. Indian men w/ abs. Big deal. I used to have abs. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Then I see her. She’s cheering. Loudly. Crowd screaming for a 2nd song. She runs out. Hands water to a dancer. SHIT. NO! #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

The MC asks, "You powwow ppl want another song for these Warriors?" They go nuts. 2nd song coming. Think fast. Damn it. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"The Boyz got next, make ‘em dance," the MC says. Do it. Don Eagle Smile – fucking do it. I drop my bags. Song starts. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Crowd cheers. I go for it. I hit the arena. Arms, legs, moving to this fancy ruffle song. Glenda Old Crow – you’re mine. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

No regalia. Just my tshirt & shorts. I’m flying. Dancing. I hear cheers. Song break coming. Im dancin for love. Not sex. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

My dick & balls are slapping all over the place, it damn well hurts. I should have worn tighty whities. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

War whoopin. Ass kickin. Song break comin. Its here. STOP. GOT IT. I get the stop. Crowd goes nuts. I scream, "GLENDA!" #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

One more pushup. I’m outta gas. Legs seizing up. We lock eyes. She looks confused. She’s laughing. Tears in her eyes. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Song ends. Crowd crazy. Glenda runs out. I run to her. Legs burning. They weigh 1000 lbs. Take a step – trip. Seriously. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I get up. Get off the dance floor. Glenda helping me. We’re laughing. Barely breathing. "You’re insane," she laffs. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Time stops. We’re laughing. Hugging. Nothing else exists. She hands me water. Laughing so hard. HUGGING. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

When you hug someone you have to decide to bend at the waist (respectful) or GO FOR IT (close hugger, crotch to hip). #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I mix the two. Bend at waist enuff to feel her boobs on my chest, then dip my crotch into her hip & pretend I’m tired. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Glenda, I want to talk," I say. "No talking, fuckin kiss me," she says. We go for it. Like hungry bears on a salmon. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Tongues practically choking each other. So sloppy & slippery, my eyes are being kissed. Hands pulling each others hair. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We’re whispering things you’re not supposed to say at a powwow. I pull back. My bear claw thumb ring caught in her hair. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Shit," I say. "Ouch fuck," she says. "Ya, sorry. My thumb ring is tangled up" I explain. "Don’t tug it Don," she yells. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

She swears when she’s mad. I like it. If your Indian Woman doesn’t swear and threaten violence when she’s mad – get out. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

The tangle is out. We stare at each other. Big eyed. Lump in my throat. "Oh my god," she says, "your cheek? I’m sorry." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"What?" "I…gave you a hickey on ur cheek," she says. "It’s cool," I say. "2 of them, they look like balls," she says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I take a look in a car mirror. Two round, red/purple, hicky’s on my cheek. They do in fact look like balls. On my cheek. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Since u put balls on my cheek, can I put balls on ur cheeks," I joke. "We’ll see," Glenda smiles & says, "let’s walk." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We cut through a trail. Come to a clearing. The reserve store across the field. You can barely hear the drums from here. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Sit in the long grass. BOOM! Clothes fly. She tackles me. I tackle her back. But gently, ya know. Gotta walk that line. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Stop, I dont have a condom," I say. "I’ve got four," she says. Four! Holy shit! Four? "Can we use them all," I ask. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"I doubt. Usually Ojibways are only good for two," she says straight faced. Oh. A challenge huh. I accept. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

In my head "Welcome to the Jungle" & "Strokin" by Clarence Carter & Tim McGraw’s "Indian Outlaw" was the sex soundtrack. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Dunno know how long we were in that grass – 4 condoms later I opened my eyes & there were 2 rez dogs sittin’ & watchin’. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We lay there. Lookin up at the clear blue sky. Unsure of what to say. Quiet. "Balls on cheeks – payed ya back," I laff. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

CH#6 Drum circle. 11 women. Me. Horrible singing. If they sing "The Bear Song" one more time I’m goin to lose my mind. . #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Arlene hands me her drum. "Sing," she smiles. "Healing is sharing," Fiona says. "Sing the AIM song," Phoenix demands. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"I usually only sing in sweats," I say. Gotta get out of here. If my bro’s saw me at a womans drum circle – it’d end me. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Real men sing the AIM song when asked," Phoenix says in disgust. Real men? Damn. NEVER attack an Indian Man’s manhood. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

All we have is our manhood. Whether we fake it (most of us) OR earned it (a few of us) – NEVER attack our manhood. AHO. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I grab that drum & start blastin’…first pushup, second pushup, third pushup, fourth pushup. Killin’ this AIM song! #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I sang that AIM song like it was Schemitzun 1999 up in here! Open my eyes. Look around. Tears from a few. I KEEP SINGIN. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

They start singin & I’m singin’. Voices crackin. Sang that song for an hour. Drum circlin’ the way ONLY white ppl can. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We’re done singin. Voices shot. Sweatin. Women huggin. Crying. Healing. Tears of joy. Weird, new age-ee tears of joy. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

They make their way to me. A hug. A thanks. I was there to get laid. Plain & simple. Now they’re calling me "brother." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Arlene calls everyone quiet. "Today we were touched by a REAL warrior spirit, a true gift." she says. Everyone stares. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Ur voice touched me today, Don. U know that," Arlene asks. Was hoping my dick would touch U today, Arlene. U know that? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Ur voice is your gift," she continues. I tune out. Another Matrix moment. This time – the trees turn into powwow dudes. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"So. You came to a Woman’s Drum Circle to try to get laid," Tree asks. "Sorta," I say. "Come w/ me," he demands. Christ. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Tree picks me up like a rag doll. Through the bush we go. Fast! Up the hill. Across a river. "Stupid, man," Tree says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We stop at a house. "Look in there," Tree says. "One night stand gone wrong. They hate each other. 5 kids later. NEXT." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Flying again. "I get it, Tree" I say. "Do you," Tree laughs. Suddenly we stop. Lakeside. "Look in there," Tree says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I look in the lake. It’s like I’m watching a movie. Drum circle. Women. Me. Songs. "Wanna see the ending," Tree asks. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

He dunks me under water. I’m back at the drum circle. Arlene wraps up her speech. Women leave. I stay. Arlene cleans up. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Great circle," she says. "Ya," I say. "Must be exhausted," she asks. "Sorta." "Me too," she says. "Nap time," I say. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Heart pounding. READY TO GO. EARN. YOUR. BUSTLE. In the tent – look around. This isn’t a tent. It’s a powwow bordello. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Sweet grass whip. A BDSM swing with a bear skin rug seat. A moose balls ball gag. A dream catcher choker & chain. WOWZA. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I try to come up for air. Tree holds me down. "Keep watching, it’s just getting good," Tree laughs. Arlene ties me up. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

She unlaces a handdrum. Ties me up. Feet. Hands. "Moose balls ball gag," she smiles. How culturally appropriate. "#PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I’m in the swing now – being Bear Clan, I apologize to this bear in my head. I hope I’m not sitting on this bears face. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

She’s wearing a piece of white buckskin. Her nipple rings connected to the beadwork w/ bone & sinew. "Ready," she asks. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

She lights 4 candles. "Sage scented. I keep it sacred," she says. Glad we’re making "God" happy during our torture sex. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"You ready to earn your bustle, Don Smiling Eagle," she asks. "Unggghh hhhuuhhhhh," I nod. Finally. Magic. Balls on ass! #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

She picks up the wax. "This is for ur little Indian, Don. We’re going to make a mould for me to keep." Uh. No we aren’t. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I shoot up for air. "NOOOO," I scream. "Oh yes, Don," Tree laughs. "Watch the ending, it’s a gooder," Tree explains. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I look again. My view of the scene has changed now. I see the camp. I see & hear the tent. I see my Gran & mom walking. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Weirdest sex-not sex-sorta sex-mostly terrifying-weird-grabbing & pinching-sex is going on. No clue what is happening. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We’re begging each other to stop. To keep going. Swing is rocking. It’s horrifyingly incredible. The worst & the best. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Then I hear it. "This is her camp here," my Gran says. "Oh good, hope we aren’t late for dinner plans,’ my mom says. "#PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Mom. Arlene. Coworkers. Dinner plans. NOOOO. "Weird, her car is here. Where is she? Arlene. You in there," mom shouts. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Arlene unzips the tent. "Be right out," she says. "Christ," my Gran yells. There I sit. Moose balls ball gag in mouth. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Shoot up for air. Vision over. Tree on the ground laughing. "What the…," I yell? "Why are u doing this to me," I ask. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Tree laughs, "Be smart when horny." He picks me up. We shoot through the bush. Back across the river, over the hill. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Tree drops me back in camp. Everything blurry. Blinking. Look around. Arlene cleaning up. "You tired," she asks smiling. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I mumble, "I dont want moose balls in my mouth. Ur not getting a mould of my dick & I wont sit on a bears face for you." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Silence. I look at her. She looks at me. Says nothing. Say something, Arlene. Tell me I’m crazy. Or am I? Thanks, Tree. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

CH#4 If my balls could talk – they’d ask me to fight. Ive had 148 boners this powwow weekend. All for not. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Turns out Glenda was watching Intervention due to her inability to let go of her ex – a booze hound & she was in love. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Nothing sexy abt tryin to score after watching Intervention. Time head back 2 powwow. No sex. No Glenda. No backup plan. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"We should go," I say. Go 2 bathroom. Still horny. Look in mirror. I’m in my Uncles hotel room tryin 2 get lucky. LOSER. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Still horny. But not really. Note to planet earth – Intervention isn’t good background noise for foreplay, sexy times. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We leave. Long, quiet drive. No one on highway. Perfect for quick road side sex. BUT. Ya know, I-N-T-E-R-V-E-N-T-I-O-N. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Powwow. We say a weird goodbye. Her to her camp. I to mine. Then I remember – I burned my camp down earlier. To get ass. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

List of things to NEVER do to get a piece of ass – stab someone, borrow your Uncles room key, burn down your camp. Easy. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Back to Grans camp. Everyone asleep. Fire dying out. Should look for the ’49er but who cares. I throw a log on the fire. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Stare into fire. Cold cup of coffee in hand. Weird day. Collect my thoughts. Stare into fire. Then I hear it – tent sex. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

It’s coming from down the road. Sounds like a couple of bears wrestlin, talkin shit. Should I investigate? I should. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Through the bush I go. Smacked with branches. Trippin on rocks. It’s worth it. I think. Probably not. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I hear it. Like two, big bears. Gruntin. Most unsexy sex I’ve ever heard. Not that I’ve heard alot of other ppls sex. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

They’re having "The Roundest Dance" in that tent. You can tell they’re chubby – they’re weezin’ & barely able to talk. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Smackin. Slappin. Pinchin. Grabbin. Rollin. Growlin. Lickin. Trippin. Suckin. Slippin. Divin. Drivin. Poundin. Roundin. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I may or may not have masterbated that nite, but lets just say, hearing some of the things I heard – I’m not to blame. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Some of the things I heard in that tent that night include, "You’re going to earn your bustle tonight, Warrior Boy?!?!" #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Shit was gettin’ real in that tent & in my pants’es. An all time low, sittin in a bush, listening to fatty’s. Oh well. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Some of the things I heard in that tent that night include, "If that’s all you got I’ll go find a Chicken Dancer, punk!" #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Some of the things I heard in that tent that night include, "I found where you’re hiding ALL the frybread. Damn girl!" #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Some of the things I heard in that tent that night include, "Ur ass is like the Prairies girl, just rollin’ & rollin!" #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Some of the things I heard in that tent that night include, "Im gonna make ur spirit helpers say thank u when Im done." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I was done long be 4 they were. Walked back to Grans camp smiling. "Earn your bustle." I liked that. I liked that alot. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Watchin’ the fire die down in camp. I need killer lines I can use. Pickup lines. Sex lines. Lines that’ll seal the deal. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I nod off. Dreams. Vivid. Weird. Dreams. I’m surround by a sea of beautiful, brown women. I try sexy-shit-talkin ‘em. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"I’m a Grass Dancer – let me dance on ur grass. Unless, you’ve shaved ur grass, in which case, I’ll STILL dance on it." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Try on my bone breast plate. Take off your shirt first. I wanna see how it looks on your breasts." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"I want you to smack my ass so loud that every time you do it makes me wanna do the Duck & Dive." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"They call it Grand Entry for a reason." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Slept in my chair that night. I can’t tell you how long I was there for. I woke up. Sun beating down on me. Camp empty. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Promise of a new day! Day 2 of the powwow. Walked by the "sex camp" from last night. Quiet. I smiled. My dick moved. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Earn ur bustle, I’ll find a Chicken Dancer, I found ALL the frybread." How could I tell this story? Coudn’t. Wouldn’t. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Day 2 of the powwow was gonna be good. No worries. No cares. Just a smile. And memories. Earn your bustle. LOL. Damn. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

CH.3 Dinner done. She’s doing a weird thing w/ her mouth. She’s offering a beej or she has steak stuck in her teeth. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Can I pick the steak outta your teeth w/ my tongue" I imagine myself asking. I don’t. I joke, "I’m too full for sex." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Masterbating while full sucks," Glenda says straight faced. "Lets walk dinner off," she says standing up. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Didn’t plan to leave camp. Tent is ready to rock. Need to get back there ASAP. Need a plan. Twist an ankle? Poke an eye? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"My tent is on fire, " I yell. Sprint back 2 camp. She doesnt follow. Tent is fine. She didnt follow. Need to burn tent. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Throw log from fire at tent. Damn, Glenda. I smell fire. Smoke. Glenda asks, "What are you doing?" "Firefightin," I say. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Why’d you do that," she laughs. "No, it was…" I say. "Tsshaah," she laughs again. "Where we doin it now," she smirks. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"You one of those rez kids that burns shit 4 attention," she asks? "NO," I say, "I wanted to stay in camp." She smiles. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Be upfront. Say it, Don Eagle Smile. Be a man. Tell her. Doggy style. Upside down, hot yoga poses. Shirts on, of course. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Get courage. Look at her face not her breasts. Say it. Awkward pause. Say it. Spit it out. "Sex is so good. Am I right?" #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Ya, it can be," she says looking away. No interest. None. That’s it? Can be? I need to tell her how hard I try at it. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Guess we’ll never know, you burned your tent to the ground," she smirks. I’m an idiot. Think fast. Town. Hotel. BOOM. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"We could go to town a get a boob. Room. We could get a room," I say quickly. "I’m in, you drive." Need Gran’s car keys. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Run back to powwow like a coupla highschool kids. Find Granny. "Need your keys, we’re going to town for coffee," I say. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Coffee? That what they call it now? When I was a kid we called it "humping with our pants off," Gran smirked. So gross. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Tim Hortons," Glenda says. "A fetish," Gran quips. "Hope you like ur coffee drk brown & chubby," I joke. No one laughs. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Got keys. We walk away fast. Wow! YES! Heart races. Trying to keep up 2 her. "Oof, I gotta pee real bad," she says. Oh. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

30 min. drive. Need music. Only Gran’s tapes available. Damn. John Denver, CCR or ZZ Top to chose from. She’s got legs. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Singing. Laughing. Windows down. Hair flyin. "You’ve got legs, I hope u know how to use them," I blare loudly. Perfect. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Arrive in town. Hit the first hotel you see. It’s time. Pull into hotel. "I’ll get the room, be right back," I smile. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Full, sorry," clerk says. "Full," I blurt. "Is that even possible," I ask. "Powwow & a wedding," she says. Damn it. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We crash wedding. Must know someone there. Gonna fake a flu. Get a room key. BOOM. The perfect plan. We’re in tshirts. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

We dance. Drink. Laugh. We see my sorta-uncle there. Our family drunk. He’ll have a room. Time to execute the plan. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Cried when we hunted," uncle laughs. Glenda laughs. I was a kid. "So sweet," she says. "A sad little warrior," he says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Need ur room key," I say. "Oh," he says. "Ya, bad lunch," I lie. "Gonna hump with ur pants off, huh," he teases. Damn. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Kiddin," he laughs. "Powwow food’ll kill ya." Hands me the key. Glenda & I look at each other. Whoa. "Thanks," I say. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Elevator doors close. 1st kiss. Tilt my head left or right? We’ve got two big NDN noses? Damn noses. So much nose here. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Doors open. 3rd floor. Horrible kiss. So much damn noses. Seriously. Big NDN noses are horrible for kissing. Thanks God. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Room 308. "Gonna freshen up," Glenda smiles. "Okay," I say shyly. How does this work? Pants on or off? Bed? Stand up? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I decide to go underwear off, pants on, shirt on, condom under pillow. She goes pants on, shirt on, bra on. Game on. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Curve ball. She turns on the tv. "Damn, my shows on," she squeals. "Oh, ya," I ask? She sits on the bed. I stand there. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

9PM on a Saturday. Season finale of Intervention on. Hotel room. Glenda. Me. No sex. This why they say marriage sucks? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Condom under the pillow," I wink. "Right on," she says. "A ribbed one," I smile. "Does it taste like ribs," she asks. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Dying here. Junky on the tv ruining everything. Hate that show. "He should just die," I smirk. "You asshole," she yells. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"He’s a person," she says. "So am I," I defend. "I thought u were different," she says. "I am, so…different," I try. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

CH. 2 – Next day. Alone in the tent. Found out her name was Glenda Old Crow. Bad name, good ass. Need food. And Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Two flies humping inside my tent. I contemplate masterbating. Weird. Maybe pancakes & bacon replace morning sex. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Grab phone. Facebook. Search. Glenda Old Crow. There are 4 of them. Search pictures. 100′s of pics of kids. No Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Friend ‘em all. If I find MY Glenda, then good. If not, maybe one of the other 3 will dig me. Gah. Desperate, but horny. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Morning piss, then food. Get to the porta-potty’s. I hear sex. Really gross porta potty sex. The grossest sex. Christ. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Gotta find my cousin. He owes me $20. Go to his camp. Still sleeping. Look around camp. What is that – a Haskell jacket? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

How did this happen? He could he? Glenda. I’m destroyed. Damn it. First thought – revenge. Glenda MUST have a sister. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

In shock. I wrote a round-ee for her. "Oh, oh Glenda, I wanna bend ya, Oh, oh Glenda, lets play pretend’ah, hey eh, oh." #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I go to the water to offer tobacco. I see her. At the beach. Yellin’ at her kids. Glenda? That you? "Hey, ever," I yell. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Run 2 cousins camp. Grab Haskell jacket. Run to beach. "Lost your jacket," I say. "Nah, I didnt," she says. "Oh," I say. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"Left it at my cousins," she tells. Heart sinks. Boner gone. "Cousins," I ask? She’s his cousin & he’s my…FUCKKKKKKK. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Hand her jacket. All goes black. Cant breath. Back to camp. God damn Indian Country. Why??? Horny old ancestors. NO!?!? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

In camp. My granny notices I’m down. "Hey sad boy, get your shit together for Grand Entry." Tough love from Kookum. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Grandy Entry. I’m there but not. Lost in thought. Her chair set up across from us. Her frybread thighs winkin’ at me. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I may or may not have just registered #PowwowShadesOfGrey dot com to keep the storify links on. God damn it, another project. LOL.Ryan McMahon

Blisterin hot. Glenda wipes her forehead. Adjusts her snuggy. I picture her thong on her sweaty ass. Kinda gross. Kinda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Flag song over. Prayer over. Everyone can sit down. I watch her sit. Close my eyes. Pretend my face is her lawnchair. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Open my eyes. I’m the only one standing. Lost in my imagination. GLENDA – I AM YOUR LAWNCHAIR, YOU JUST DONT KNOW IT. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Did I THINK or SAY "Glenda I am your lawnchair & you just don’t know it." Granny stares. "Glenda, huh?" Shit. Busted. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"No way," I defend. "Pfft," Granny says, blowin her cig smoke in my face. "We’re cousins," I say. "Not even," Gran says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

"You’re not cousins blood way, ceremony way, sure, but not blood way," Gran says. Damn. Ceremony way. Shit. Boner BACK. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

My stare intensifies. She’s wearing an Angry Birds tshirt but it’s cool cuz she’s a mom and I shop at Wal Mart too. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Need to talk to her. I need pickup lines. "Nice moccassins, wanna fuck," prolly won’t work. "Nice hair," is pretty lame. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

She’s in line at a taco stand. I am too. "Been waitin to put a Indian Taco in my mouth all day," I blurt. No one laughs. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

She gets a taco. I, a hotdog. She returns to her seat. I return to mine, eating that hotdog suggestively. It got weird. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Gran says, “stop being slutty with it & just eat it.” “I’m sendin a msg to Glenda,” I retort. “Wrong msg,” Gran says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Wanna yell, “I hate dicks,” but it’s outta context 4 everyone else. Can’t yell, “I love vagina,” either. Damn, Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I walk to her chair, “I’m buying dinner tonight.” “For who,” she says. “Us,” I say. “Havin another hotdog,” she laughs. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

“I hate dicks,” I say too loudly. “Great,” she says. “I thought you should know that, just, cuz…” “Right,” she says. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

“My camp, 5.30 tonight,” I say. “Word,” she smiles. I walk away. I need to get ready. TENT SEX on the menu tonight! #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Back to camp. Make bed. Cut firewood. Prep potatoes. Slice onions. Marinate steaks. Last thing – trim pubes. Lake time. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

All I have is a hunting knife and a fork. Hands shaking. Gotta do this. No one is into “1970’s Big Porn Bush,” right? #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I say out loud, “If there is a good you’ll help me trim these pubes with this hunting knife.” Hand stops shaking. Whoa. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

Pubes trimmed. Back to camp. I blow up my air mattress again. Need a fresh shirt. AC/DC or ribbon shirt? Damn,Glenda. #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon

I She’ll be here in 10 mins. Our junk will be touching in 20 mins. I ask my spirit helpers for help. It’s goin down! #PowwowShadesOfGreyRyan McMahon